We’ve been making Christmas cookies with our cookie gun. A gen-u-wine Ron Popeil invention, as-seen-on-TV battery-powered cookie gun. It cranks out dough in cookie shapes. For a device from the early 1970s, it’s made like a Swiss watch and performs like a dream.
I think my mother-in-law bought it years ago at a garage sale. The back if the box actually says “As seen on TV.”
Anyway, we listen to Christmas radio while we work, and after you’ve heard a song 20 times, you notice there are some stoopid lyrics out there.
Start with Slade’s “Merry Xmas Everybody”
- So here it is Merry Christmas
- Everybody’s having fun
- Look to the future now
- It’s only just begun
I’m pretty sure, and people will back me up on this, that the future has always just begun. You’ll have a hard time finding a moment when the future isn’t, in fact, beginning. How this time/space miracle connects to Christmas is another matter altogether.
- And then there’s Santa Claus, the oppressor, is Coming to Town
You better watch out/You better not cry/You better not pout/ I’m tellin’ you why…
What kind of emotional blackmailer IS this guy? Crying — it’s a sign there’s something wrong, see. You’re supposed to figure out what is making kids cry, rather than brush it off. Santa? Oh, he’s the guy who makes you repress negative feelings and then rewards you with presents.
And finally, Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer, which begins
- …but do you remember
- the most famous reindeer of all?
Ummm. Isn’t the definition of “famous” “having a widespread reputation”? Is that how short the American attention span is? You don’t remember the renowned large flying scarlet-proboscised mammals of yesteryear?
Anyway, we had fun, the cookies looked great and we gave them to friends, which felt good.